Buffy the Man Slayer
by Frenchie431
Summary: An AU where vengeance demon Anyanka visits a jilted Harmony, after Spike tosses her out because he is in love with Buffy. In typical Harmony fashion, she doesn't really think through her wish too well...Not really in any specific timeline, just some fun fluff. Rated T for possible language and suggestive themes, rating subject to change.


AN: This is my first BTVS fic. I know some haters gonna hate, but I absolutely LOVE the Spuffy pairing. Don't get me wrong, Bangel is great, but I can't help but love that bleached vamp. So please just enjoy, I'll try to get some more out there soon, but I can't make any promises on how soon. Any and all comments, feedback, reviews, love, etc. are welcome. And of course, these characters do not belong to me, but their wonderful creator and our overlord Joss Whedon. Thank you. X

"Ugh! That stupid vampire and his stupid brain! He's just so darn stupid!" The blonde girl sitting at the bar in Sunnydale's local hangout _The Bronze_ muttered into her long island ice tea. "He's probably bleached his hair so many times it's soaked into his brain! Why doesn't he just go stake himself?!" The woman was dressed in a pink track suit and a white tank top with a glittery unicorn on the front.

"You're Harmony, right?" A small, brunette girl asked as she walked up to the moping vampire.

"What's it to ya?" Harmony responded shortly. "Oh, wait. You're that Anya chick, right?" Anya nodded in the affirmative. "Yeah, and you introduced me to Cordelia. Poor girl, I still remember how that little red-haired girl totally stole Xandir away from her."

"Ugh, I so didn't need to be reminded of those losers and their problems right now. I've got enough problems of my own." As she finished, Harmony picked up her glass and took another big sip from her fruity drink.  
"Oh yeah? What's got you down?" Anya asked. "Boy troubles? She guessed intuitively with a knowing smirk.

"Damn Spike!" Harmony spat out venomously.

"Doesn't it just make you wish…" Anya looked at Harmony hopefully, as she seated herself on the booth beside the blonde.

"What? That he'd die? Too late for that one."

"No, I mean, don't you ever wish that they would just get what was coming to them? Like, oh, I don't know, Spike got turned inside out, or he'd be turned into a troll, or staked, or something like that?" Anya continued. "After all, he hurt you. He deserves to be hurt too."

She slowly, and surreptitiously began to reach for the pendant hanging around her neck.

Harmony released a heavy sigh and said, "No, I know it isn't his fault. My Spikey-wikey really does love me, I just know it!" As she said the pet name in a baby voice, the vampire was completely oblivious as the woman next to her let out a little huff of annoyance.

"I'm sure a little plague or disease would teach him though." Anya tried again. "Don't you just wish he'd come down with a pox or something?" Her tone was overtly hopeful, yet beginning to sound strained.

"No, you know what?" Harmony said as she sat up straighter on her stool, as though she just had some great epiphany. "This is all Buffy's fault! Cordy was right! Everything is all Buffy's fault!"

At this, the brunette's jaw dropped. "Are you KIDDING-" She cut herself off had to restrain herself from reaching out and choking the vampire, dead set on her mission, and knowing it would do nothing.

 _But it would bring me satisfaction,_ watching _her squirm for the oxygen she foolishly still thinks she needs._ The demon thought to herself.

"Yeah!" The blonde vampire continued, heedless of the outburst of the woman beside her. "He just thinks he wants Buffy because she is the 'Chosen One' or whatever. He always _has_ had a weird thing with slayers…"

Anya took a few deep breaths and composed herself. She could work with this. "Okay, then don't you wish that Buffy was dead? That she had never been born? That she got turned into a vampire? Anything like that?" A note of desperation leeched into her words as her questions seemed to fall on deaf ears.

 _Wow, I guess what they say about blondes in this century is true._

Harmony didn't seem to be paying much attention to her new companion, but then she turned to her with bright eyes and said, "No. I have an even better idea. If Spike could only see how much _better_ I am than her, he would come to his senses. Well I've seen her wearing that stupid cross around her neck. She is just another goody two shoes who was given a supernaturally-good figure. But I have bigger boobs, a better butt, and I know how to use them!" Harmony had grown louder and louder as she spoke, seeming to gain confidence in her apparent epiphany as she continued.

Now unsure of where this conversation was headed, Anya hailed the bartender and asked for a gin and tonic, heavy on the gin. _I'm gonna need LOTS of booze to get through this conversation._

"Ookay…" Anya began again after receiving, and subsequently gulping down, her drink. "So what are you thinking? Any wishes coming to mind? Popping into that lovely head of yours?" Anyanka was now seriously doubting her success with this particular target tonight.

"Yes!" The unsuspecting vampire turned to completely face the vengeance demon, who had visibly perked up at the outburst.

"Really?" Anya asked, both disbelieving and excited. "What?"

"I wish…." Harmony trailed off.

"Yes….?" The demon encouraged impatiently as her hand absently reached for the pendant once more.

The blonde triumphantly declared, "I wish that we were both strippers!"

"YES! Wait, what?" Anya began, then immediately backtracked. "Come again?"

"I wish, that we were both strippers." Harmony repeated, clearly pleased with herself. "That way," she explained, "Spike will see how much sexier I am, and obviously he will choose me for my experience, and cuz I am waaay hotter. If it came down to it, I could pole dance her into the dust!"

Anyanka is now sitting facing the bar, with her head hanging in one hand, in complete disbelief. "Of all the stupid, idiotic, pointless, insignificant….." she muttered to her empty glass. Resigned, she slowly lifted her head to reveal her face had become shriveled and wrinkled-looking, dark reddish-brown lines running along the muscle contours.  
"Done."

There was a flash of white.

Then Harmony woke up.


End file.
